the city and the river (Eleven)

[river]

She couldn’t make the drums leave. She remembered them: their hollow four beats, over and over. She had seen them inside his mind and now she couldn’t forget. Every time she thought she’d let them go, every time she’d thought she’d sent the memory of the Master’s eternal ache to the back of her mind, they resurfaced like a ghostly memory. Every memory resurfaced now, circling her mind like a swarm of angry wasps. Joyous and heart-wrenching alike, everything she tried to keep back to remain sane.

Of all the things he’d done to her, the drumming was by far the worst, a fiery, painful shout inside her mind. Her mind wasn’t a safe place anymore. It had been the place where everything was ordered, where everything was safe – but it wasn’t anymore. It was chaos. Every time she tried to force a wall back up, the drums roared louder still.

River moaned, sinking against the concrete side of the building, cradling both wrists against her stomach. Vicious purple bruises encircled them both, leaving a physical memory of the Master’s angry hands. At least the concrete was cool against her back, and she pressed one cheek against it, hoping it would beat back the headache left from him tearing through her mind, from his leaving nothing untouched.

He couldn’t use her, so he’d had his fun. Of course, because she wouldn’t have let him use her. It didn’t matter how long he kept trying. Pain was nothing in the face of giving him what he wanted, when what he wanted was the Doctor. No, she wouldn’t betray him. Not when she’d gone after the Master in the first place because she’d thought he’d already had him.

(Well, what had she been supposed to think? That an impossible Time Lord who sent chills down her spine from a distance was taking a leisurely stroll?)

One of these days, she’d learn to wait for back up, or to not jump into things without caution, despite how dull that could be. Obviously today hadn’t been that day.

River tried again, picking out a specific memory (grabbing Asgard at random), and trying to throw the walls back around it. She should have been able to do it. It should have been easy.

Instead, she found it impossible. Pain echoed in her head, pain so horrid she thought he must have literally torn a hole through the fabric of her mind. The time traveler sank down further, curling into herself on the alley floor, pressing herself there as if trying to disappear. Bruises he’d left from where he’d grabbed her smarted, and she ignored them. She’d find a way to clean out abrasions later, and she occupied the time trying to convince herself she’d had worse.

If anyone passed her, they’d have thought her homeless. Oh, how she wished it was that simple.

(And there was really only one person she wanted to pass her. She wanted a ridiculous hat and a stupid grin and gentle hands that would chase the pain away, but no. Her mind was an open book and the Doctor was nowhere near here. She couldn’t inflict this on him, and she was certainly no damsel. She could do this herself, thank you.)

(It didn’t change that she wanted him.)

Maybe, possibly, wanted him enough to imagine the sound of brakes left on, imagined brakes loud enough for her to press injured arms over her ears.

[THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,background-image:url(http://i52.tinypic.com/otj5sn.jpg); width: 390px; -moz-border-radius: 40px 0px 40px 0px; border-radius:40px 0px 40px 0px; opacity: 0.8; border-right: #a17700 15px solid; border-left: #a17700 15px solid;] » i'm not perfect « » but i'll keep trying « The Doctor sighed to himself as he looked around the empty console room. Amy had just hung up on the answer phone, asking him if he'd found Melody. He stood there in the darkness, his mind not racing, but sorting through everything she'd said. Calculating. He hadn't heard anything, but he'd been trying. He'd been trying so hard to find her... Inadvertently, thoughts of his own children, his grandchildren, all the companions he sometimes thought as children... He'd told her no, that he hadn't been a father, a grandfather, he'd lied. He'd lied to keep the questions at bay, the questions he knew they'd ask about him, his children, grandchildren... He remembered everything, everyone... and how he'd destroyed them all. He didn't know where Susan was, if she had died with Gallifrey or was still living somewhere out among the stars. The others of his family he'd left on Gallifrey, and there they had stayed during the Time War. He'd killed them. Killed all of them. Jenny had been his, as well, and she'd died... Granted, it hadn't been his fault, but... it still felt like it. Losing her just brought up all of those feelings again, and now, losing Melody... River... He knew that he hadn't lost her, that she was his, and that he'd find her, but... hearing Amy's voice -- heartbroken, scared, worried, trusting him to come through and find her daughter -- it was just... heartbreaking. He bowed his head over the console, letting his hair fall in front of his face. He wasn't perfect. That was plain and simple, at least to him. What was it about everyone else that made them think so? He wasn't a superhero, he couldn't do everything. He'd made one simple mistake back on Demons Run, and both Rory and Amy had seemed to hate him. He admitted that River had had a point, and while he didn't want to think about the fact that he'd royally screwed up, he knew that she was right. He'd gone about the universe, saving planets, fighting monsters... but in reality, a lot of the universe sawhim as the monster. And to be honest... he didn't know how to fix it. Up to this point, he'd just been going around seeing things and having adventures. It'd been nearly two thousand years since he'd started; could he just turn his life around that easily? And if he did just stop making enemies, what would happen to the good people of the universe if he wasn't there to help them? There were still beings like the Daleks and Cybermen out there who were threatening the universe; could he just sit back and let things happen? He'd never been able to, not even back in his Academy days. It was the whole reason he'd rebelled against the Time Lords in the first place, stolen a TARDIS, and went off to see the universe. What was he supposed to do now? He was broken out of his thoughts by a sudden jerk of the console room, the TARDIS having decided to change her course midflight. He staggered and fell backwards into the single chair near the console and stared as the TARDIS started the landing procedure, the controls moving by themselves. He'd known that she was alive and that she could manipulate the controls to a certain extent, but to see it happening was... breathtaking. After a few seconds, the sound of the brakes squealing filled the console room, and he got up from the chair, aiding the TARDIS in the landing procedure. He didn't know where they were or what would be outside those doors, but it was always such an adventure. He threw the door lever, bounded down the stairs, and stepped through the open doors, excited to see where she'd taken him in such a rush... And there was River, laying in the middle of the alleyway the TARDIS had materialized in, her hands over her head and in obvious pain. He wasted no moment in getting to her side, sliding in the rough gravel in his haste. He bent over her and gently moved her to be laying on her back, positioning himself so she could lay back against his legs and not be fully on the ground. "Hey." he said, his voice breathy and wobbly as worry welled up in his chest. "River, stay with me. Come on, you're alright." Someone had attacked her. And it wasn't just anyone; River was no pushover. There were bruises on her wrists and an agonized expression on her face... He could feel his hearts breaking in two at the state she was in, and he took off his coat -- the long, gray one he'd recently picked up -- and put it over her, trying to get her warm. "Shhh..." He caressed her cheek, needing to make sure she was alright and okay to move before bringing her into the TARDIS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ » thanks for being so amazing and totally reviving my muse, sweetie « tagged » - - - - - - river 826 - - - - - « words lyrics » - - - - - - hedley elevenie - - - - - - « credit

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[river]

The screeching wouldn’t stop. Why couldn’t she imagine him with the brakes off? That would have been nice. Combined with the drums, it created an awful symphony she wanted nothing more to escape from, and the creak of the doors were taunting her with an impossible gift. There was no way he could know she was here. She hadn’t sent him a signal; she wouldn’t dare. That might be just what the Master wanted.

Oh, God. She’d brought him here anyway.

But he was there. It wasn’t a cruel trick of her own mind, it couldn’t be. He moved too quick, and too clumsily, feet spitting out gravel in her direction. Oh, that was so classic that it made her hearts twinge. And yes, it was him. She couldn’t get him this right, and if she could – well, she didn’t want to know. Going insane sounded right pleasant at this moment in time, when she considered the alternative: alone, in pain, the alley… yes, she would most certainly take going insane if her insanity included the Doctor.

She couldn’t get out the words, despite his greeting. Two simple words that would have reassured him and she couldn’t get them past her lips. Her mouth was too dry, and her eyes felt heavy, and then there were the drums, still as loud as ever. The image of him before her seemed to pulse with every beat of those hated drums.

But she’d worried him already. She could sense it. His eyes were tight with worry she hadn’t wanted him to feel, and if he ever found out who’d done it, that worry was only going to get worse. The only thing she wanted more than him not having to see her like this was for him to be there, and in the end, that selfish side of her won out.

He’d pulled her into his lap, she noticed then, enough so that she wasn’t lying on the ground. A small chuckle threatened to rise, but she shoved it back down in the fear it would turn out more insane than humored by him. So considerate, he was, and so concerned about her.

In all her life, she could count the people who’d cared about her for the right reasons on one hand.

(So she forced herself to speak, because he was one of those people, and she couldn’t stand to see his eyes so worried about her. She closed her eyes despite his words, wanting to reach up and grab his hand in hers. That would have been nice, just to reassure him she was still there, but her wrists protested any movement in the slightest. At least he was far more comfortable than the ground, and the coat he laid across her smelled like him.

”Not going anywhere, sweetie.” River spoke, but the words were too loud to her own ears and she shuddered, pressing into him.

She moaned; it was an awful sound that sounded strangled to her own ears, but then there were his fingers, so wonderfully cool against her cheek, and she couldn’t help but lean into the touch, pressing her cheek against his fingers. She hadn’t thought she’d ever feel that hand again. It’d seemed likely, after all – and she’d been perfectly willing to go down fighting in his honor.

But oh, he was there and he was hushing her, and while River might have been the only person on the earth who didn’t believe this ancient boy was a superhero, he was hers. Her mouth turned up a bit at the edges, the tiniest flicker of a smile that faded out before it could have ever really been there at all.

”I messed up,” River said, and it felt good to admit that, as much as it hurt – because she was admitting it to him, and as much as he might not like it, he messed up sometimes, too. ”But I won.” She had, in the end: he’d left without getting what he’d wanted, even though he’d left her worse for wear.

”You look tired,” she managed, opening her eyes again in order to see him. She wanted to turn her head and press her mouth against his fingers, but the idea of turning at all made her feel ill. And there were still the drums, beating against her skull. ”You’re searching,” She came to the realization, and something worse than pain hit her in the chest and twisted her hearts. ”Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry.”

She remembered the dilemma at hand, finally – he was here, impossibly, and he shouldn’t be. She’d worked so hard to make sure he wouldn’t find him.

”You’ve got to get out.” Her words were quick. ”This, all of this – ‘was for a reason, honey, and you can’t be here. Please..”

[THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,background-image:url(http://i52.tinypic.com/otj5sn.jpg); width: 390px; -moz-border-radius: 40px 0px 40px 0px; border-radius:40px 0px 40px 0px; opacity: 0.8; border-right: #a17700 15px solid; border-left: #a17700 15px solid;] » i'm not perfect « » but i'll keep trying « Her voice broke through the worry and the paranoia and the speculation about what had happened to her, and the Doctor gave a sigh of relief. She was alright. At least, she was alive. Alive enough to speak, anyway. She was hurt, she was hurting, and oh how he just wanted to take it all away. He just wanted to take all of it away and dump it off somewhere, or even take it on himself. He couldn't stand to see her like this; proud, strong River Song laying on the ground and practically whimpering in pain... It was too much for him. The last time he'd seen her, it had been at Demons Run, and he'd gone off on her for no good reason. If he'd known that the next time they'd meet would be like this... foreknowledge was a horrible thing, really, and while he tended to get angry with River for knowing things that he didn't, at times... he'd really rather not have the knowledge that he did. "River, are you alright?" he asked her, gently moving some of the soft blond curls out of her face. "What happened?" As River explained, he frowned, looking confused. "Messed up?" he repeated, confused. She never messed up. She was perfect, she was amazing, she was brilliant... she was River. His mind supplied that oh so familiar Earth saying, reminding him that no one was perfect and that everyone had flaws, but to him... he knew who she was. She was Melody, but she was River, she was Amy and Rory's daughter, but she was one of the last two -- two, his mind repeated, he wasn't alone anymore -- Time Lords left in existence... and she was his. She was the only one who could put him in his place, she was the only one who could call him "sweetie" like she did, she was the only one who could do the things she did because she was his River. "How? Who were you fighting?" He inspected her body for injuries, but there were none other than the violet circles on her wrists. Someone had grabbed her and held her somewhere, and that took force. River was no weakling. "River, there's no need to apologize." he said, the worry in his voice mounting as he tried to piece together what was wrong with her. Here she was, laying there practically broken on his lap and she was apologizing to him for what he'd been doing for the past year or so? He'd searched high and low for little Melody, but the universe was a big place. Even if they'd just taken her somewhere there were humans, there were so many different places in so many different times that he couldn't cover them all in such a short time. In order to find her like that, he'd need to personally live through the entirety of the human race from start to finish, and he didn't really like the sound of that. As much as he loved them, sometimes they infuriated him, and living with them for so long would just make him antsy. "You don't need to be sorry; you, of all people, should know that everything turns out alright in the end." Not everything was okay in the end, but it was one of the many things that kept him sane over the years. If it wasn't okay, then it wasn't the end. He felt naive thinking about it, but it kept him moving forward. The Doctor grinned to himself, though the grin itself was hollow and didn't reach his eyes. "I'm always where I shouldn't be, eh?" he said, giving a bit of a chuckle as he shifted her slowly into a position where he could get one arm behind her back and the other in the crook of her knees. "I'm not leaving you here, River." he told her as he bent over her, kissed her on the forehead, then lifted her into his arms. "Not like this." He was glad, now, that he'd left the door to the TARDIS slightly ajar during his hasty exit as he carried her through the doors, up the stairs and onto the console platform, gently sitting her down in the chair. He snapped his fingers to make the doors close and knelt down next to her, holding her upright. "Now, sweetie, what happened?" he asked her again, as the fact that she'd "messed up" wasn't enough to figure out what had happened to her. "If you can't tell me, I'll just have to go and look... and you know how I hate doing that." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ » oh so much muse after Let's Kill Hitler « tagged » - - - - - - river 774 - - - - - « words lyrics » - - - - - - hedley elevenie - - - - - - « credit

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[river]

It doesn’t matter who it was.” She lied, for his sake. River had no qualms about lying, especially when it was to protect him. Rule Number One, the Doctor lies. People lie. She lied. ”I thought too quickly, but oh, it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. He’s gone, I’m good.” You’re here.

In reality, River was far from good. Another lie thrown into the wind, and one she was sure he could see right through.

What if the Master could trace her? She didn’t think he could, but the chance of it… but would he really leave all of it behind, all of the work he’d done to try and take over – would he really leave it behind for her? No, not her, but the Doctor… the drums beat louder, breaking her concentration.

”Yes.” She breathed. ”There are so many reasons to apologize. I can’t do anything for you.” Her voice was nowhere near as strong as she would have liked, but there was nothing to do about that now.

A kiss was pressed against her forehead, seconds before she felt his arms come underneath her back and her knees. She swallowed heavily as the shift in positions dizzied her, and then she realized exactly what he was intending to do.

”What are you…” She trailed off after grounding out the words. He was lifting her, actually lifting her into his arms like a child. At least she could speak now, which was a blessing. She’d worried him when she hadn’t spoke, and despite the drums muddling her concentration, she forced the focus for him. ”I’m not a child. Not here, at least.” She’d meant that last part for herself, but it slipped out regardless. ”I can walk.”

Okay, maybe not, but she felt like a child. Of course he wasn’t listening to her, but why should that change? Realizing he wasn’t letting her out of this one, River rested her cheek against him, allowing herself to close her eyes again.

But regardless of his carrying her like a child, the TARDIS was humming around her. Her mouth curved upwards as she felt the ship back in her mind – an aided weight, of course, but she’d always thought of the ship to be a calming presence, despite the pain the added noise was causing.

”Hello,” She whispered to the TARDIS as he gently set her on the seat. ”This was you, wasn’t it? You brought him to me. That was dangerous, love, but so very brilliant. Thank you..” Her voice choked on the whisper. This ship threaded through her life more heavily than any person she’d ever met. It was more of a secure presence than even the Doctor – because she existed through all of time, every second of it, all at once. And that was a wonderful thing.

He was steadying her, probably afraid she was going to fall out of the seat. Well, she wouldn’t put it past herself at this very moment in time. Her head pounded to the beat of four as she focused on him and the words he was speaking to her.

Fear raced through her stomach – stupid, irrational fear. Oh, he wouldn’t hurther, she knew that, he would never… by the look in his eyes, he was coming to realize that her being her meant he wasn’t alone any longer. That look in his eyes did nothing for the fact that the memory of the Master plowing through her mind, tearing holes just because he could was too close.

And there were no walls. Nothing to keep him from seeing everything he shouldn’t. Too many spoilers, too many things she wanted to keep him from, just to protect him. For him to know the Master had done this…

”Spoilers” Her voice was rough, and even as she spoke she tried to rebuild some of those walls. The drums beat louder, and vicious tears sprung to her eyes. ”Everything’s a mess, sweetie, you can’t. It’s too jumbled. He made sure of that.” And she’d already said to much, because she didn’t want him to see. She didn’t want him to know. She’d been stupid, so very stupid, and it was unfair for him to have to relive things because of her own faults.

Despite her wrist, she grit her teeth and reached up to stroke a path from his temple to his jaw, then back to run her fingers over his brow. If he searched through her mind, he’d hear them, and he’d know. She didn’t want to bring all of that back up for him, he shouldn’t have to go through it too.

”Oh, honey. Sweetie, it’s alright. It hurts but I…” She trailed off . ”I know you. You’ll try to do something incredibly stupid, like take it on yourself.”She cupped his cheek with an injured hand. ”Don’t you dare. Not one ounce of it.”

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[THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,background-image:url(http://i52.tinypic.com/otj5sn.jpg); width: 390px; -moz-border-radius: 40px 0px 40px 0px; border-radius:40px 0px 40px 0px; opacity: 0.8; border-right: #a17700 15px solid; border-left: #a17700 15px solid;] » i'm not perfect « » but i'll keep trying « "River, you have no idea how much it matters." Someone had hurt her. He was angry. Someone had hurt her, his River, and had thought that they could just get away with it. Who did they think they were? However, he had to be calm. She was hurt, and he had to be there for her. Even if she told him who it had been, he couldn't just up and go after them like he wanted to -- oh there was so much he wanted to do -- but he couldn't. River needed him. And so he would stay with her, but it would weigh on him forever. She wasn't as invulnerable as she looked, as she seemed, as she tried to tell him. She was as much human as she was Time Lord, and she was... fragile. She was sturdier than her parents, sure, but she was still fragile. And right now, he felt that if he squeezed her too hard, she'd break. "Oh never mind, it doesn't matter; I'm just..." He trailed off, unable to say the words. He was protective of her. He protected her on those rare occasions that she couldn't handle something by herself. And... he'd failed. She'd gone off on her own, she'd gotten into trouble, and she'd gotten hurt. And he hadn't been there. It hurt to see her like this, and he wished that in all their years together he'd never have to see her like this again. To see her strong shoulders slumped in pain, to see her beautiful eyes dulled and unfocused, to see her just... broken like this was breaking his hearts. He couldn't let this happen again. He smiled at her, giving a slight sigh. Of course she'd be like this. They were both that way: so utterly selfless and self-defeating that they only thought of the other and not themselves. Here she was, barely conscious in his arms, utterly broken, and she was apologizing to him for the things she couldn't do. "River, you've done so much for me already." he said, caressing her cheek and smoothing her curly hair away from her face. "And if you've done this much in the few times I've seen you, I can only imagine what you'll do for me in the years we'll have together." He grinned reassuringly, trying to make sure that she understood what he was saying. He knew that it was probably worthless, but he knew that he had to say it. Sometimes it was the best thing to do, and sometimes it wasn't, but he wouldn't know until he tried. As he picked her up and started towards the TARDIS with her, she protested, like he knew she would, but they both knew that she couldn't get to the TARDIS on her own. It felt nice to have her in his arms, and he wanted nothing more than just to hold her, but he needed to get her safe. She rested her head against his shoulder, and he smiled, wondering if it was because she trusted him that she was doing it or because she was hurting and he was offering comfort. He set her down in the chair and steadied her, closing the door with a snap of his fingers. He heard her talking to the TARDIS and smiled, thinking about just what their relationship was. Being part Time Lord, he figured that she'd have the sort of relationship he had with the TARDIS, but she wasn't the TARDIS's symbiont, and so he didn't know exactly how it went, having a relationship with a TARDIS that wasn't a symbiotic one. She was being difficult, like always. "I can't just sit here and let you be hurt." he said, frowning. That wasn't the way he was. He was a small man, and because of that, he was moved by what was in front of his eyes, not by what the planet or the universe needed, and right now, River was hurt. He couldn't care less about the world right now. She needed him, and he was there for her. "You know me well enough to know that if there's anything I could possibly do to help you, I'd do it. I don't care about anything else; you're more important than them." And that was the truth. He loved humans, he really did, but right now, she was hurt and she needed him. How could he possibly ignore that and go off to do something else? He'd stay with her until she was alright, and probably a bit afterward. "It might be stupid, but it'll work. I want to help, River. I know how strong you are, and I know that you aren't used to this, but please. Just let me help you." He felt her hand on his cheek and held it gently, fearing for how fragile she looked. "I won't look at anything. I didn't before, and I won't now." He wiped the tears from her face, leaving his hand at her cheek. "I can't just watch you do this on your own." As much as he just wanted to go ahead with it whether she wanted him to or not, he had so much more respect for her than to do that. He didn't just go snooping in people's heads for no reason, and even when it was for a good reason, he always felt bad afterwards if they hadn't given him the okay. He hoped that she'd let him, because otherwise, he knew that he wouldn't be able to just sit there calmly as she sorted through everything. He didn't want to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ » Riverrrrrr D: how much I love you « tagged » - - - - - - river 939 - - - - - « words lyrics » - - - - - - hedley elevenie - - - - - - « credit

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[river]

"And that is why, my love, I never intended for you to find me." And that was the truth, after all. She'd never intended for him to find her in the alley, even if that had been all she'd wished for. All she'd wanted. Had the TARDIS known that? That though she'd wanted nothing less than for him to have to see her like this, to have to deal with memories of the Master - but that she was a selfish woman and wanted nothing more than to lie her head on his shoulder for awhile? Was that why she'd brought the Doctor here? Oh, the TARDIS was brilliant, of course. Always had been.

She could play that card, of course. If he found out and wanted to go after the Master, she could play that card with him. Stay with me, she could tell him, and it would be easy enough. That was one simple way of keeping him there but it was more than that. It was the fact that she couldn't stand the thought of seeing the anger in his eyes, the hurt, the pain, and knowing that her own foolish moves had put it there. Hadn't enough been done today? Hadn't she been selfish enough?

She choked back a cry. "Doctor..." He was going to break her with that, he really was. Of course she wasn't used to this, how was she supposed to be? Of all the people - she was supposed to be the one that held him up, and what was she doing now? That was what she'd tried to do before. She'd thought he'd been hurt but she'd been foolish and here she was, broken in front of him. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She was supposed to be the one that showed him it was going to be alright. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would be easier to resist his words like that - but the darkness only brought the drums back louder and her eyes snapped open. The drums were louder now, burning in her mind, creating a fire and a march and she couldn't focus because those drums interrupted everything and she could see the schizm, wide and open in front of her.

"What if you can't?" She answered, releasing a breath when his hand covered hers. "If you can't help, I can't ..." The drums were interrupting her thoughts again. "I can't watch you suffer, my love." And she knew what that was, because if she meant anything near to him what he meant to her at this time, she was asking him to watch her suffer. She didn't know that this would end - but she also didn't know that he could take the drums away. If the Master had been thorough - oh, she doubted the Doctor would be able to remove it.

Spoilers weren't the only problem. Spoilers were just the handy cover, her way of saying she didn't want to watch him be hurt, couldn't watch him relive everything the Master had done because of her one foolish move. But maybe - maybe if she could just try to get up enough walls - create some false cover for what had happened... yes, that might work. That might be the answer, and he would be satisfied, and he'd never have to know.

She needed a false memory. Something to distract him, a story to create. Another lie, because they both lied, and that was the only way. Something simple, something that wouldn't need him to follow after. Something that he could let go. But she had to get the walls up first, around the real story. Around the drums that would be the tell tale sign.

The moment she tried, pain flared up in her mind, stronger than anything she'd had before - and they'd tried to give her hell once, she remembered that pretty strongly too. She couldn't create the walls fast enough. They came tumbling down and the drums roared up in their place, and she could almost hear the Master's laugh. Her head throbbed.

River gasped, hand yanking away from his cheek in order for both bruised wrists to cradle her head, pressing her arms around her ears and crying out. There was no way for her to deny it any more.

"Please," She murmured to him. "Please, just make them leave. Make the drums leave."

[THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,background-image:url(http://i52.tinypic.com/otj5sn.jpg); width: 390px; -moz-border-radius: 40px 0px 40px 0px; border-radius:40px 0px 40px 0px; opacity: 0.8; border-right: #a17700 15px solid; border-left: #a17700 15px solid;] » i'm not perfect « » but i'll keep trying « She hadn't wanted him to find her? Of course she hadn't; if the Doctor was in that kind of situation, he wouldn't want her to see him like that either. It would be weird, though, because the one thing he'd want to do was just curl up in her arms and sleep it off, but he wouldn't want her to be there and hurt because he was hurt so badly. It was confusing and weird, but he was there, she was there, and she was alright now. They were in the TARDIS, and nobody could hurt her there. "But I did find you." he said, brushing his fingers against her cheek. "I'll always find you. I'll always be here." He realized how right she'd been, all the way back at the Byzantium. He'd always be there for her. He'd always be there to catch her when she felt like jumping out of a spaceship. He loved her. And as such, he'd do anything and everything to keep her safe. Of course, he knew he couldn't admit it to her. She knew, already, what his feelings were, what they would grow to be, and he'd always had trouble with saying that word. Love. It was so much more than what humans thought it was. He pictured the circular Gallifreyan symbol in his mind, knowing what each circle and each line meant. Some of them were the types of things they said at weddings, like in sickness and in health and for as long as we both shall live... But others... it was a forever word, an infinite word. He loved her. He knew he did. She knew he did. He didn't know, however, just how deeply, until he'd seen her broken and hurt on the ground, needing him but wanting to protect him at the same time. She was amazing, brilliant, fantastic. And she was his. She was truly and utterly his. "Shhh." he shushed her, smiling at her. "You're so strong, River. So strong, so solid... You're always there when I need you." He saw her shut her eyes tightly, and he took her hand, squeezing it gently. "You've helped me so much, you've given me so much... And now it's time for me to help you." He couldn't just sit next to her and watch her hurt. That wasn't the way he worked. If he could do anything, anything, to help her, he would. "And I can't watch you suffer either." he said calmly and reassuringly, hoping that she would relent and let him in. He wouldn't look, he wouldn't pry, he would just help. He knew she was hurting, and it was a mostly mental hurt. Someone had gotten into her mind and tore things up, and he knew he could fix it. He could help her, he could make things better... She was just so strong and so protective of him that she wouldn't let him anywhere near it. Spoilers were just an excuse, he knew, because he wouldn't look. He wouldn't dare; he'd had that chance before and he'd respected her and her diary of spoilers. She suddenly cringed and jolted away from him, cradling her head in agony. He slowly cradled her against him, not wanting to jar her and make anything worse. She whispered something, and his eyes widened a bit. Drums. Her mind was trashed, and in her attacker's wake, he left drums. The only one he knew of with that kind of ability and the connection to drums was the Master... but he'd died. He'd disappeared into the Time Lock after he'd taken out his anger -- and his insanity -- on Rassilon. He couldn't be here. He just couldn't. But now wasn't the time. River was hurt, and he had to fix it. He had to stay with her; he couldn't go out and find the Master. "I will." he said, placing his hands on her cheeks and closing his eyes. Almost immediately, he was moving through the wreckage of her mind, surrounded on all sides by the drums the Master had carried all throughout his life. It had been the Master. The Master had hurt her. His River Song. Fury nearly exploded through his body, but he managed to clamp down on it before it got too far. He had to be calm. If he wasn't calm, he wouldn't be able to fix anything. He took a deep, shaky breath and started the clean up. It took a few minutes, as he was trying to avoid contact with her memories, but he managed to set everything right and even get rid of the drums entirely. He withdrew from her mind, feeling rather good about himself for making good on his promise to not look at anything. "Now, are you alright?" he asked, caressing her cheek as he let his hands fall to take hers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ » for you to read on the way to class « tagged » - - - - - - river 814 - - - - - « words lyrics » - - - - - - hedley elevenie - - - - - - « credit

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[river]

Fear raced through the pit of her stomach, once again irrational. She knew he wouldn't hurt her, she knew that at her very core. He hadn't hurt her the day she tried to kill him, and he wouldn't do it now - but she couldn't shake the memory of the last time someone had tried to infiltrate her mind.

But slowly - ever so slowly - the drums were fading, and then they were gone completely, and her head wasn't chaos. It was quiet, almost painfully so, and the drums were gone. The walls weren't back, that would take some getting used to - but her head was silent.

His fingers traced a cool path along her cheek before going to grasp hers, and she squeezed back with whatever meager strength she still had left. Biting her lip and acting for all the world like a small embarrassed and frightened child, River buried her head in the crook of his neck, trying to breathe steadily and failing. She was tired, and tears sprung forth all too easily - tears that she didn't want him to see. Oh, she knew that he wouldn't mind - he'd seen her tears before - but she didn't want him to see these. They'd make him mad, and she couldn't have him mad. She needed him here, not searching after the Master and she knew that was where he'd go. If she did anything today (if she did a single thing right) it would be to protect him from the one person she knew could hurt him.

And it would be her fault, if he did get hurt. She'd let him here, after all, even if she hadn't wanted to.

She breathed in the scent of him, warm and calming like she hadn't been able to notice before. This place, the TARDIS, was the only place she'd ever felt able to call home. Even her parents house - though a safe haven - couldn't compare to the way she felt about this ship. It was more than a ship; it was a friend. It was a second mother for River Song, the child of the TARDIS.

River nodded, still with her face buried in the crook of his neck. She did it cautiously, afraid she'd still feel pain - but she didn't, and she breathed a sigh of relief. "I will be." She whispered against his neck, not closing her eyes. She feared closing them and seeing the Master's face, staring back at her - and opening them again and finding out this had been a delusion, that she was still huddled in an alley.

"Thank you." She managed, reaching up to comb her fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry. So sorry, my love. I went after him. I was stupid." She remembered his words on the pyramid and couldn't help but wince, blinking back new tears that threatened to form. She wouldn't be an embarrasment to him, she refused to be.

That was the thing about her - she wasn't as his other companions were. She wasn't starry eyed and in love with him. No, she'd been taught the horrible things first. She'd been taught about the people that he didn't save, the planets he'd been left in ruin before she'd ever been told fairy tales by the man and woman who would one day become her parents. And then she'd been taught it all - right here, by the TARDIS. River Song knew everything about him - the good and the bad, and she'd had to make that choice for herself.

She'd chosen to love him for everything. For everything he'd ever done, always and completely forgiven. And she knew she wouldn't always be the person she loved. She knew there was Rose, and Sarah Jane, and so many others - but she was here, for now, the person he loved today or maybe tomorrow, because she wasn't too sure he was there yet. But he was more there than he'd been last time, when she'd fought the weeping angels with a mother who didn't know her.

She pulled back finally, studying him, making sure. She'd told him not to take anything, but she didn't trust that he hadn't. The Doctor lies; she was well aware of that. With a shaking hand and a bruised wrist, she slowly reached out to stroke her fingertips along his temple - but no luck; she was too weak to try anything to see if he had.

She studied him with an even more critical eye. "Don't lie to me, not now. Don't tell me you took the drums on yourself." He didn't look like he had, but she had to make sure. She reached down, grasping his hand again. Maybe, if she took hold of him, he wouldn't leave her to chase after the Master. It seemed plausible enough.

[THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style,background-image:url(http://i52.tinypic.com/otj5sn.jpg); width: 390px; -moz-border-radius: 40px 0px 40px 0px; border-radius:40px 0px 40px 0px; opacity: 0.8; border-right: #a17700 15px solid; border-left: #a17700 15px solid;] » i'm not perfect « » but i'll keep trying « The Doctor held River close as she lay her head against him, knowing that she just needed some time before she was alright again. He'd stopped the drums in her mind, doing his best to not look at anything. He'd traced the drums back to their source -- the memories of him going through her mind -- and built up a protective wall around them, so she would remember it, but she wouldn't be ravaged by the drums again. "You're not stupid." he replied, squeezing her tightly but gently at the same time. "I would have gone after him too." He took a breath, trying hard to push the hatred for the Master out of his mind. But he hurt her, the hatred shouted back at him. Don't you want revenge? To bring him down, once and for all? He did. He really did. River was his; and nobody would be allowed to hurt her again. Not Kovarian, not Koschei, not anybody. But right now, she needed him. He couldn't just leave her... but there was something more than that. She wouldn't want him to. She didn't want him to go after the Master, which was why she was so hesitant to reveal who'd hurt her. She was protecting him, even now, from having to relive all of the things they'd done together, the good and the bad. He hated that she felt that she needed to protect him, especially when she was so hurt... but it made his hearts swell with happiness. Someone cared about him enough to want to protect him like that, even when they were so hurt. He didn't know whether to stay happy about it, or be mad that she was putting him above her own safety and health, but he knew he did it. He put her safety above his own -- he did that with anyone that was his companion -- but River was different. She was an equal, not just a companion. "You're not stupid." he repeated, holding her hand. "You could never be stupid." And he truly believed that. He was starting to realize that she would be the light of his life, in a way that the TARDIS or companions couldn't be. All those years ago, when he'd forgone going out and talking to girls like all of his friends had, and instead sat in his dorm and worked on a sonic screwdriver, he wondered if he'd been guided to ignore everything else so that he'd be there for River. She was his bespoke psychopath, but also his bespoke love. "You're the furthest thing from stupid. You're --" He abruptly broke off his sentence, the faintest hint of a blush rising to his cheeks. Mine, he thought. My River. You're mine. He loved her. She would always be perfect in his eyes. And she would be always and completely forgiven. For anything and everything she did wrong. He smiled at her lovingly. "With me, you can never be sure, can you?" he asked her, the smile turning playful. "I didn't take them. You told me not to, so I didn't." He understood her reasons for not wanting him to, but he would have if he hadn't been able to do it any other way. He'd been able to solve it without literally taking them from her, and so he hadn't had to resort to that. He was thankful, really; she'd be so mad at him, since she'd deliberately said not to and he'd have gone against her wishes. He didn't want to do that. There were some times when he had to, like always, but those were only when he had to. When he didn't, he didn't. Like now. He felt her take his hand, and he understood the look in her eyes. "I'm not leaving, River." he said with complete honesty. "I'm not going after him." Oh how he wanted to. He wanted to do the same thing he'd done to River -- tear through his mind and leave painful open wounds -- but he couldn't. She needed him. He had to stay there. And there was a little part of him that didn't want to confront the Master, that didn't want to have to bring up all of those memories again. Within that little part, there was a speck of fear: the fear that, when they met again, the Master would die, like he'd done the past two times they'd met. They'd been friends in the past, and as much as it pained him to see his friend's insanity, it broke his hearts to be the cause of Koschei's death. He knew he wasn't truly alone anymore -- he had River -- but that didn't stop the feelings he had. If Koschei was alive, he wasn't the last. That label... the Last of the Time Lords; it was a hard thing to carry. And it was a weight he never wanted to bear again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ » WHOO. i loved writing this. hope you love reading it « tagged » - - - - - - river 826 - - - - - « words lyrics » - - - - - - hedley elevenie - - - - - - « credit

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